Sweet Untruths
by brokenoperaglasses
Summary: Canonverse AU; AkuRoku; A day in the lives of Axel and Roxas, on the run together because Sora wanted Roxas to live. Snapshots in time on the day Roxas can't love him. Posthumous tribute. For Zheyne.


**Short explanation about the dedication:**

When I saw that she was dead, I cried. I really did cry. Hard. And then I started writing this. It's only been about eight hours since I found out, and not even two days since it happened, but she deserves a tribute.

Zheyne (now Z. Alexander) was, honest to god, the best writer I've ever read. She only wrote fanfiction and very short stories on dA, but everything she wrote was beautiful, inspiring, and – strangely – original. She took trends and clichés and turned them on their heads. My opinion may be biased, influenced by my admiration of her as a person, but no one can deny there was something special about her. I hope that in this fic, I've captured even a shadow of that special entity. If nothing else, I hope I've done her justice with this form of characterization – motive much sadder than action; I've studied her writing style and I'm attempting to capture that, too.

So this – the only fic I'll ever write – is for her, although she'll never know. RIP, Zheyne. You will be missed.

_**Disclaimer goes here. Respect the Square, people. It owns your soul.**_

* * *

It's like melted Oreo crème or something equally disgusting – something which is supposed to be okay, supposed to _look _okay, but isn't but doesn't because – I'm _me,_ Lea/Axel, this life is wholly fucked anyway, and this is _Roxas _we're talking about. He doesn't look good like this. I don't know what the fuck he's thinking.

He's staring at me like what are you waiting for, what _am _I waiting for? You're killing me, kid. Really killing me. Get up, go back to your toys, and for _g__od's sake _wipe your _mouth. _If we don't get out of here soon we'll be dead, and you're not even fucking _trying. _I can't fix the ship until you fix the computers.

"You're kind of a bitch," he says pleasantly, tongue darting out to –

Fuck. I'm gonna throw up in a minute. This isn't the Roxas I used to know. This isn't the amnesiac, brooding Roxas I met a year ago. No, this is something else altogether. This is a more dangerous Roxas. A Roxas who doesn't _give _a fuck about Knowing and still has all that brute strength at his disposal. A Roxas who doesn't care _because _he Knows_ already._

"I didn't ask for it," I tell him, voice weak and forced –and it's true, but I kind of was asking for it anyway. He always forgets how goddamn _pretty _he is, and wow, _what_ a contradiction. He's the most masculine person I know, except Marluxia but he's dead (thank whatever entities probably aren't out there). I'm the one with the feminine curves, the feminine eyes, but he's still prettier than me and I wasn't asking for it, but I wanted some kind of _acknowledgment_ from him and he never realized sex isn't what I want. Even though he still knows me better than anyone.

"Course not. You just don't know how to be subtle."

It's funny he thinks this, because he's the only person who ever figured me out. He gives everybody else too much credit. "This coming from our fearless leader, Mr. Search-And-Destroy. You wouldn't know subtlety if it invited you to tea."

He just snorts, turns to the keyboard, watches lines of symbols I never bothered to learn. That was always Saïx's thing – how does Roxas know? "XIII. Remember? I was _hardly _your leader."

"Rank doesn't matter when you're taking out Heartless. The most competent one calls the shots." I pause, calculate. "But this is the last time you'll ever hear it, so savor the moment."

He hits a few keys and frowns, and for a second I think I see Sora. Just for a second. I hate it.

"You gonna sit there or are you gonna do something productive?"

"And sitting here looking sexy _doesn't_ count as productive?" It's a knee-jerk response; there's nothing to it. I know full well I'm not sexy and he knows I know. When he was new and I finally had someone to boss around exclusively, I could tell this fake arrogance, this bravado, drove him crazy. Now it's my way of telling him I'm still here, I'm still hurt – being heartless has nothing to do with anything anymore, because of him – but I'm not mad and I'm still _here. _I'm not his bitch, I swear. It's just _him, _it's just _me, _and...who the fuck cares anyway. Real life is out of the question and it's not like we know anybody who won't kill us.

He sighs and turns to look at me, leaning against the raised keyboard – he's apparently given up for the moment, judging by his crossed arms and irritated expression – and I wonder if maybe there's something we're missing here. "Axel..."

He doesn't say anything else. I'm curious, but I'd never let _him _know. I look him in the eyes as best I can and pretend I'm amused. He probably knows better. But I'm not gonna say anything _anyway._

"For _god's sake, _fix your _pants,"_ he finally says, and it's a little funny because that's just what I was thinking before, except not quite. "You're not fooling anyone here."

That's new. That's very new and not very welcome. He's not supposed to know. He's not supposed to _know._

"I wish I'd never met Riku," he mutters, turning around, and it's not because he wishes he'd never left me. It's because I'd be dead, courtesy of Oathkeeper or Oblivion, he'd be dead courtesy of Saïx's claymore, Riku_ wouldn't _be after us, and Sora wouldn't be stuck in his head whispering _encouragement, _of all things. Ansem wasn't so wise after all, and Riku can't accept it, but he's only one of our concerns.

He doesn't want me, not really. I know that, he knows I know, but it's not like I care and he knows better than to try to get away without me. I know more than he does about the way the Organization works. Sora's no longer an option. And maybe someday he'll want me, not VIII but _Axel. _I think that might happen. Maybe.

"You're a Nobody. Any wishes you make aren't exactly _valid, _Roxas." But then I remember and _wow, _that was stupid.

"I'm not a Nobody, _Axel." _It's amazing how he can make my name sound like an insult. "Not anymore. I have _Sora _to thank for that," he adds bitterly. It's funny that he hates Sora now. Now that he has a _chance._ He wanted Sora. He wanted Sora so bad he left, ran to him, let Riku believe he was beaten, trusted the wrong asshole. Got shoved into a computer. _Still wanted Sora, _even after all that. But Sora was tired. Sora was tired and now Roxas is...

Somebody. Even more of a somebody than he ever was to me.

"It's like you don't want to exist," I say. _Carefully. _Careful, Axel – you probably don't want him to answer.

"I want to exist as much as you do." Such an ambiguous statement. Or maybe not, because I'm sure he knows by now my only reason for existence is him. So if I'm 'living' for him, what the fuck's _he _living for?

I get up, because there's nothing better to do. I'll...shower. There's a little cubicle in the back of the ship and the feeling of just being blown is so, _so _dirty. He hasn't even let me do that to him yet. I'm – wow, I'm still shaking, what the – _what. _Since when –

I have never before wanted _more _of this, more of _him._

Since _when._

* * *

I'm wrapped in a towel too short for my body and he's bent over the keyboard and for one moment, one devious, awkward, unexpected moment, I imagine myself trapping him there, fucking him there. But it wouldn't happen. He'd probably let me – he always wants to try new things. But it's not what I want. I've never wanted it. I'm not like _him._

He's harder than me. Tougher than me. Even though I get away with pretense.

He wouldn't give up his existence for _me. _Only for _Sora. _And now he hates the stupid kid for making him take the hard way – for not letting him give up his existence at all. _And it's funny how I think of them as 'kids' when they're only a year younger than I am. Roxas is even probably more mature than me._

"I know you're there," he says. He doesn't bother to turn around.

"Figures," I tell him, and drop the towel. I've got nothing he hasn't seen before, except a little less meat on my bones since he's not making me eat any more. _Making _me – _ha._ Wasn't he supposed to be _my _subordinate?

He looks over his shoulder and laughs a little, like he knows what I'm thinking. "You gonna fuck me, Superior?"

"You wish." Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure he does. But I won't do it. I _can't _do it.

"Then get dressed and help me," he says, and it's a little pathetic that he sounds disappointed. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that it's never about me. Not anymore, not since he came and did that thing where he's amazing and reaches into my soul and lives in me like a parasite. Only unlike a parasite, there's no way to get rid of him and I wouldn't want to anyway.

I sigh and _I _wish he'd turn around all the way, push me against the wall, fuck me hard and fast and how he wants it. Because I know he likes that, and I like it when he's happy with something. But he's too practical for that and besides, he thinks he's doing me a _favor, _letting me decide. Like I really _could._

I start to pull on my shirt and he says, "You didn't have a problem fucking Larxene."

And no, of course I didn't, because she was a girl. A very pretty one, at that; she appealed to the masculine side of me. And if it weren't for the whole hating her guts thing and the way it made me feel like a lesbian boy..._and _her thing with Marluxia, maybe it would have been something. But then Roxas came, and that flew right out the window along with any chance of redemption for my crimes against my own nature. And besides...

"As I recall, neither did you."

"She was a very beautiful girl. And she was a very competitive partner. And she was a _bitch. _That's the kind of girl I like."

"You only _really _know two girls. Larxene, and that computer program, Olette. I'd choose Larxene over a computer program too, and that's fucking _saying _something." He doesn't know about me, about Lea. Maybe if things get better, I'll tell him, and he'll laugh at me. I'd like that.

"Shut up," he tells me, and I'm almost done getting dressed, but at this point he might undress me again. Maybe. If he doesn't just attack me physically, which would be just _fine _with me. He's always so amazing when he's violent.

"Well, Olette's pretty and all," I say. I'm trying to get under his skin. I miss feeling his skin on mine, on my lips, around my neck, making bruises on my body. "She's just so..._common. _Boring, _y'know?" _I know that last is going to get him. There was more than one 'person' in that computer, and he still harbors that phantom resentment. That lingering 'feeling' programmed into him.

"I _said. _Shut _up."_

"And if I _don't?"_

Suddenly, like he flew or like he teleported, he's right in front of me, but there's no Keyblade. Just his face, next to mine. "I know what you're trying to do," he whispers.

"Yeah?" I can barely breathe. He's so _close, _but he's just standing there, forearm across my chest. He could smash me right now, but he _isn't – _I don't know why he isn't. He at least knows an _invitation _when he sees one.

"Yeah. And I'm not gonna give it to you. Not until you fucking _help _me fix this _ship._ We have to go to Kairi."

Ah, Kairi. I never, even when I was Lea, thought I'd be jealous of a little princess. Lea thought she was invincible – it was her downfall, and my creation. I shouldn't _have _to be jealous of little Kairi; in fact, according to the Organization, I shouldn't be _able_ to be jealous at all. But apparently, Xemnas is a moron anyway. He wouldn't know a heart if it tried to jump down his throat and into his chest of its own volition. He doesn't feel because he doesn't _want _to feel, end of story.

And to think I _worked _under such an idiot. Coming from me, that's saying something too.

"I...fuck you, Roxas," I mutter, and I make to push him off me but he's already moving. I wouldn't have pushed him away anyway. It's all for show, all pretense. He's so amazing, and I'm...

"We'll leave that for later," he says wryly. "Now _please _get your ass under the floor? The computers will be up as soon as you reset the power."

Growing up, at least if I remember correctly, Lea was Daddy's Little Mechanic, so I know what to do. Gummi ships were never my specialty, but they're not _so _very different from those robots Lea loved so much. It's a simple task to jump the engine with the thunder spell Roxas taught me, and I try not to think of how _cute _it sounds when he pretends to know anything about this stuff. Reset the power, indeed.

He watches me slither out of the hatch ass-first – I can feel him watching me. I wonder if it's turning him on. Probably not. I'm not pretty like Olette or dominant like Larxene – though I can pretend with the best of them, and only _he _ever noticed the lie – and I'm not sweet like little Kairi, though I do have red hair. Maybe that's the only reason he puts up with me; I resonate with the Sora inside of him.

He touches my hip and I don't jump, but that's because I'm such a good pretender. Instead, I just finish coming out and look at him, watch him as he pulls me close in this bizarre show of something like _tenderness. _But it can't be, and I can't meet his eyes – I've never been able to do it. But I go as close as I can, because I wish I could. Or at least, I wish I could tell him I'm not meeting his eyes – maybe it isn't fair to lie to him as much as I do.

"Hey," he says quietly, and I wish he wouldn't. I don't ever know what to do when he does this. When he pretends he cares about me. How could he? He's so amazing, and I'm...

Nothing.

"We can go wherever we want after Destiny Islands," he says. He's still touching me. I want to push him away, but I don't do it. Staying steady makes people think it's real. Nobody, not even Roxas, could ever know how scared I really am – heart or not, I'm scared, and if we really needed hearts to feel Roxas wouldn't have left. Marluxia wouldn't have desired power. Zexion wouldn't have cowered against the wall in the face of Vexen's creation. Demyx wouldn't have been upset when I was the only one to return from Castle Oblivion – but he had to have known his crush on our resident sadist would never be anything but unrequited. He'd always been too 'soft' for her. "Now that we've fixed the ship to respond to us instead of those ridiculous squirrel things."

"Chipmunks. They're chipmunks."

"Well, whatever. I'm _saying _we can go anywhere – and by the way, you're better at recognizing animals than I am, and I don't care anyway. They're still ridiculous. So...?"

"Well, where do you want to go," I ask.

"We might have to keep moving until we shake them. You can pick the first place."

"No, you're the one driving this hunk of junk. You decide based on the coordinates. We want something far, but not too far, because at least the Su – uh, Xemnas will expect us to go as far away as possible. It's because he thinks in extremes." Because, see, I don't want to pick because I don't know where _he _wants to go. "C'mon, I'm being nice and _letting _you choose. Better take me up on my offer before I change my mind."

"...There are no Heartless on Destiny Islands," he says – quietly, pensively. It's almost nerve-wracking – is he starting to understand? "Maybe we could stay there a while; if we don't have to use our weapons, we won't alert them. Sora wants to spend time with her again, and I _did _promise."

I want to ask when he ever kept a promise to _me, _but I don't, because I'm not a jealous girlfriend and I know he's not honest. But Sora would probably make his life hell, and he can't just knock Sora out because he lives in Roxas' head. So I say, "Destiny Islands it is," and hope that's enough.

He looks at me. I don't like the look; it's piercing, pensive, pernicious and something I don't want to label 'pleased.' It's a smile and a frown and really, looks like that might be illegal somewhere. Finally, he says, "You're kind of pretty, when I look at you sideways." Then he looks like that wasn't supposed to come out at all.

"...And you're a fucking jackass," I return, but it's hard to be flippant when one of your deepest fears is coming true. It's a stupid, unfounded fear, and maybe it's better that it came true because the worst kind of unfounded fear is the kind where you wait and wait and wait.

He pushes me away and he's smiling and _goddamn, _I want to make him feel good right now. He's so amazing.

"If Sora's memories are as clear as they seem, I think I'll be able to get us there in one piece. I think we can bust through the Gummi lanes if we use dark power and these cannons, but...ugh. Yen Sid really needs to stop being cryptic. He'd probably be a lot less isolated if he was actually _helpful."_

"I think he was trying to tell us we shouldn't be alive, to be honest," I tell him, scratching my cheek. "Didn't you catch the 'Nobodies-are-all-liars' undertones?"

"Of course. But he didn't say it out loud, and I rule at playing obtuse. I'm talking about the part where he actually 'helped' us, except he didn't help us because he was too busy being all mystical and fortune teller-y. He told us where the Gummi ship was, at least, and I think the King must have put in a good word. We're lucky he's young; he still has the ability to _change his mind _about things like this."

"The only thing we can do is try it and hope we don't fuck it up."

He looks at me like I'm stupid – and it's true, but he still hasn't picked up on it – but doesn't tell me what he thinks. He nods and it really is kind of sweet, that he isn't telling me, but I don't want sweet. I don't like sweet. He doesn't mean it, I know it.

There are rows of buttons and switches; when he touches the buttons they glow, and he nods again. He's satisfied with his work and with my work and even though I'm not fond of flying, I love the sensation as we lift off and disappear into a forced Nothing hole.

"We're going into uncharted territory. Get on the guns," he orders, and I do it.

I'm good at mindless, repetitive tasks. I'm not actually irritated but I still say, "Sir yes _sir,"_ and flip him off, because he doesn't understand that if he asked, I'd crawl through Kingdom Hearts to search for star dust that isn't there. I'd be honored to do what he wants. He can't know that. Not until he stops pretending to me.

* * *

Destiny Islands is just how I remember from Sora's memories. It's like nothing ever changes on any world, unless the Heartless invade. Like in Hollow Bastion. I know I've never _seen_ Kairi in anything other than Sora's memories, and I still don't really know what Sora/Roxas-by-proxy sees in her. Princesses are always bad news for heroes anyway.

But it doesn't matter. This place never changes, but she has. I think if it wouldn't be so crazy, I'd say the masculine side of me wants to see what the rest of her legs look like. Except she might come between Roxas and me, and I'd have to think of how pretty she is every day.

And how pretty I'm not. But I think I'm supposed to want to be handsome now. I've been male for long enough.

She's bending over slightly, looking up at Roxas through her eyelashes, and frowning without being upset. She's confused but I know she feels it. "...Sora? Are you there?"

"I'm not _Sora," _Roxas growls, and then looks away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. Sora wants to see you, and I..."

Lie. Lie, lie, lie. He's not sorry. He doesn't know how to be.

"Who...are you?"

"Roxas." He's still not looking at her.

"You're...the boy I heard, right? Roxas?"

"Yeah, I...Sora's...um, Sora's inside...uh." I've never known him to stutter before. "Look, Sora-"

"He's inside of you, isn't he? Are you holding his heart like he held mine? To keep it safe? It would explain why I feel like I know you." She's smiling brightly and holding her hands together over her heart and she's so goddamn _innocent _I kind of want to gag. She doesn't know _anything._

"Kind of. See, I'm-"

"He's a _Nobody," _I say. I'm angry now. Five seconds with some girl and he's already losing his edge. She's making him stupid. He glares at me but he already thinks I'm a jackass anyway, so it's not like this is any different. "When Sora stabbed himself so you could get your heart back, Roxas was born from that darkness-"

"Sora's not _dark!"_

"No, but everybody has darkness in their heart. Even you, princess. And even though Sora got his heart back, Roxas was still alive. Sora gave up his life so Roxas could have one, so...he's as close to _Sora _as you'll get."

I said it so she wouldn't want to see Roxas' pretty face any more. But she's moving closer now. "That's not fair," she whispers.

"No," Roxas agrees. I can't tell if he's mad or not – well, I can't tell if he's mad at Sora or mad at _me._

"He promised he'd come back to me."

"That's why I'm here.

"But...Sora..."

She leans forward and suddenly her arms are around him. He looks like he doesn't know what to do, and I'm not surprised at all. In the Organization, nobody hugged him but me and it always meant more to _me _because I pretended I was just doing it to annoy him. He pats the top of her head a little, and she's crying, and it's a little pathetic, crying over a boy. But maybe that's the masculine side of me.

"For what it's worth, I wanted it to be the other way," he says quietly, like I'm not here. Like I won't hear. He can be such an ass. I don't know why I love him at all.

* * *

Because he's letting me make him feel good, because he told Kairi he'd talk to her tomorrow and immediately dragged me back to the ship and attacked me for saying 'stupid shit,' I feel safe. This is what I understand. This is what I know. Lea wasn't the innocent girl she pretended to be and when I still believed we didn't have feelings, I did sexual favors and acted like a bitch so the rest of them would want me around them. I pretended to be a total jackass and the only ones who would risk getting close to me were the ones who would treat me like shit. It was comforting.

I was _becoming _a jackass until Roxas came. Then it all went south. Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if he _hadn't _come. Would I still be the person who let Larxene be killed because she was annoying me? Would she have annoyed me if Roxas hadn't been there?

"You..._guh," _he says, and it's like he's breathing his desire into me through my ears. I keep moving my hand, and he bites me hard on my collarbones since that's as high as he can reach right now. I want to push him down and give him more access, but because of our open bags there isn't enough room on any of the cots in the back and I don't want him to be on the floor. I'm the one who needs to be on the floor, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't understand. He still thinks I want some kind of control in this relationship.

He doesn't make very many noises, but I don't either, unless he wants it. I'm not vocal unless he wants it. I don't do anything unless he wants it. Not anymore. Not since the first time we fought for real and he pinned me to the floor and I was so excited because I was _sure _he would kill me.

Existence isn't life, when you're a Nobody. Everyone wants to go at one time or another. Even if they pretend it isn't so.

"Axel."

"Say it again." My voice is like breathing.

"_A-xel."_

His voice is like the abrasive rhythm of sex that means nothing. It sends chills through me. He notices, but he thinks it's because of this thing that means nothing. He doesn't know and I won't tell him. It would ruin everything like saying I loved him ruined everything before Sora gave up and we ran.

He doesn't want me and he doesn't need me. But he does need me, so I have no complaints to vocalize. This is like the heaven I don't believe in.

He's finishing, cheek on my chest a little but not really because I'm dirty now. He's all over me. On my hands, on my stomach, but I want it on my face or in my mouth because then he'd be mine. But he wouldn't do something like that. He thinks he's doing me favors.

"I love you," he says, and I know he's lying. He couldn't possibly love me – _me. _Even so, it makes me feel something like loved, because he's still with me and he's trying to pretend, probably for both of our sakes and because Kairi is Sora's, so Roxas hates to want her. Maybe he really thinks he's being honest. He's sharing the delusion with me, and it's...really sweet.

Someday he might _make _me believe him. Someday he might pretend it into existence and I'll forget the impossibility when he's around. Maybe.

"I know."

Lie.

"I love you too."

Truth.


End file.
